CHEST AND DIAGRAMS

GREETINGS, CITIZENS!!

TODAY IS A SPECIAL DAY.

WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN MORE HARD-HITTING WORKOUT TIPS FROM GLORIA'S SAVIOUR, I HEAR YOU ASK!!!?!

HOW ABOUT HARD-HITTING WORKOUT TIPS WITH INSTRUCTIONS DRAWN WITH MY OWN KEVLAR PALMED HAND!!!

THAT'S RIGHT, THIS VERY HAND THAT HELPS ME STAY HARD HAS JUST DRAWN YOU AN INTENSIVE DIAGRAM, TO HELP KEEP THESE INSTRUCTIONS CLEAR!

NOW PAY ATTENTION

CHEST

START WITH 100 PRESS UPS. NO SLOUCHING, KEEP MID-SECTION STR8 AND HARD!!!

BREAK THAT INTO FOUR OR FIVE SETS IF YOU'RE A SISSY GAME-BOY ADDICT. 

NEXT.......THE BEST, AND I MEAN THE SINGLE BEST CHEST EXERCISE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN IS THE BENCH PRESS. IT ISOLATES YOUR PECTORAL MUSCLES AND PUMPS THAT CHEST HARD. WANT ROCK HARD PECS AND TRICEPS TOO?

WANT TO BEAT YOUR SAGGY MAN-BREASTS? YOU DO, OR YOU'LL LOOK LIKE JACKIE STALLONE. NOBODY WANTS THAT!! SO TRUST IN ME, THE GREATEST CRIME-FIGHTER THAT EVER LIVED. AND DO THIS!!!


1. BUY A BENCH (OR GYM MEMBERSHIP, IF YOU'RE A HEADPHONE-WEARING TOURIST)

2. STACK WEIGHTS. NOW, GIVEN THAT YOU'RE GREEN. ROOKIE. YOU NEED LIGHTER WEIGHTS. ME, I USE 200KG++++++!!! BUT YOU'RE JUST A ROOKIE, SO START LIGHT. SAY, 30 KG FOR A GUY, 20KG FOR A GIRL OR INDIE KID. JUST KIDDING.

...INDIE KIDS NEED 10KG.

3.SEE THE AWESOME AND INSTRUCTIVE DIAGRAM BELOW. LOOK.

LIFT YOUR LEGS. THIS STOPS YOU ENGAGING YOUR BACK, SEE? MAKES YOUR PECS WORK HARDER.

4. GRAB BARBELL. SHOULDER WIDTH MINIMUM FOR CHEST.

5. BREATHE IN.

6. BREATH OUT AND LIFT WEIGHT.

7. INHALE, LET WEIGHT COME DOWN TILL IT'S JUST ABOVE YOUR STERNUM.

8. EXHALE, LIFT WEIGHT IN MANLY AWESOME FASHION, GRUNT IF NECESSARY.

9. REPEAT 12 TIMES.

10. REST 8 SECONDS.

11. REPEAT 10 TIMES.

12. REST 8 SECONDS.

13. REPEAT 8 TIMES (REPS, REMEMBER THOSE?)

14. REST 8 SECONDS

15. REPEAT 6 REPS.

FINISH.

SEE THAT? THAT WAS A PYRAMID. IT'S WHAT BOXERS DO TO GAIN STRENGTH AND STAMINA.

WE'LL GO MORE INTO THOSE LATER.

16. REST, DRINK WATER. ELECTROLYTES.

17. REPEAT THAT ROUTINE.

18. FEEL AWESOME AND MANLY, SATISFIED THAT YOU ARE ON YOUR PATH TO GREATNESS, AND WILL SOMEDAY LOOK LIKE A PALE IMITATION OF ME.

NEXT ISSUE...SHOULDERS!!

YOU KNOW WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT GLORIA??? I'M IN GLORIA. WAR WITHOUT END TAKES TIME. CAN'T SIT AT A MACHINE LIKE A LITTLE NANCY BOY.

MAKE TIME FOR TRAINING. YOU THINK I'VE GONE SOFT BECAUSE I'M NOT HERE LEADING YOU TO GREATNESS? THINK AGAIN. I'M HARDER THAN EVER, AND THIS IS HOW YOU CAN GET HARD

...AND STAY HARD... LIKE ME.


ROUTINE.

GET A ROUTINE. STICK TO IT. MAKE IT SIMPLE TO TRAIN AT SHORT NOTICE, SEVERAL TIMES PER DAY.

BUY A GYM.

BROKE? SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY ON NINTENDO, FANCY HAIRCUTS AND BAGGY JEANS, LIKE A SISSY FASHION VICTIM? TOUGH. SELL NINTENDO. BUT WEIGHTS BENCH. METAL WEIGHTS BEST.

TRAIN ABS. THREE TIMES EVERY TWO DAYS. 500 REPS EVERY AB WORKOUT. 
FOUR DIFFERENT EXERCISES  CRUNCHES, LEG RAISES, OBLIQUE RAISES, SIDE BENDS. BEND HARD. 50 REPS OF EACH. ONE AFTER ANOTHER, NO REST, NANCY!! FIVE SETS OF THIS CYCLE!! 
THIS IS YOUR ROUTINE FOR THREE DAYS PER WEEK. YOU'LL GET THE REST LATER. 

MONDAY/WEDNESDAY/FRIDAY
MORNING: ABS/CHEST/BACK
AFTERNOON: SHOULDERS/ARMS/BACK

WE'LL TALK ABOUT CHEST WHEN I'VE DEALT WITH THE LATEST PROBLEM. SOME MANIAC TALKING ABOUT THE WATER SUPPLY. EVERY DAY ANOTHER THING. 

SWEET GLORIA. YOU ARE A DEMANDING MISTRESS. 

LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR TRAINING, SOLDIER?? 

...THIS ROUTINES MAKES ME HARD. 

U

CORE STRENGTH

YOUNG OR OLD. MAN OR WOMAN. YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT YOUR CORE.

PAGE ONE OF THE URBANITE TRAINING MANIFESTO (TM). 

THE WORLD IS HARD!!! I AM HARDER!!!!

SAY IT WITH ME, CITIZENS!!!

LESSONS BUILD DAY BY DAY. DO NOT REPLACE THESE LESSONS WITH THE NEXT LESSON.

 ADD EACH LESSON CUMULATIVELY!!

GOT IT, SOLDIER?? 

SO IF I TELL YOU '2000' CRUNCHES ON MONDAYS. THEN NEXT LESSON: 400 PRESS-UPS ON MONDAYS, WHAT DO YOU DO THE NEXT MONDAY???

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, YOU DO 2000 CRUNCHES AND 400 PRESS-UPS!!! AND WHATEVER ELSE I THROW IN!!! GOT IT???

GOOD CITIZEN.

NOW PREPARE FOR BODY CONDITIONING LESSON ONE.

WHY? WHY MAKE EFFORT? SIMPLE. MUGGER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ROGAIN, YOUR RED LEATHER COUCH, YOUR IKEA MATCHING TABLE SET AND YOUR DINNER PARTIES.

STANDING THERE, KNIFE IN HAND, VIOLENCE IN HEART. GONNA PUT THAT VIOLENCE IN YOU, IF YOU'RE SOFT.

YOU'RE MAYBE A PUNK KID. SOFT. MAYBE YOU'RE HITTING MIDDLE AGE. GOT SOME KIDS. MIDRIFF SPREAD. WALK DOG FOR EXERCISE. MAYBE GOLF. BEERS WITH JIM FROM OFFICE. JIM SOFT TOO. GETTING SOFT. SOFT LIVING. NO GOOD. CRIME DOESN'T CARE. KNIFE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU HAD TO GO TO PARTY. GO TO MEETING. GUN DOESN'T CARE IF YOU SKIPPED EXERCISE.  MUGGER DOESN'T CARE. MUGGER BENEFITS. CRIME WINS. GET IT YET ROOKIE? CRIME WINS IF YOU GET SOFT!!!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I AM HARD!!! I ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR INJURY SUSTAINED WHILST FOLLOWING THIS REGIMEN, OR WHEN CRIME-FIGHTING. DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO A WARM-UP? A STRETCH? A LIFT? A CRUNCH? LOOK IT UP!!!! I WILL GIVE YOU REGIMEN. I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMN BABYSITTER!!! SO IF THE INFO ISN'T HERE AND YOU START MAKING IT UP, FILLING IN BLANKS, LIKE AN IDIOT, THEN THAT'S YOUR OWN STUPID ROOKIE FAULT. AMATEUR. 

BEGINNER TO INTERMEDIATE. WEEK 1.

MONDAYS/WEDNESDAYS/FRIDAYS

1. STRETCH OUT. STRETCHING KEY. WARMS JOINTS. PREVENTS INJURY. STRETCH ARMS, LEGS, BACK. BACK VERY IMPORTANT. HAMSTRINGS TOO. ROTATE SHOULDERS, HIPS, WAIST, CORE, NECK. ALL JOINTS. DO THIS FOR TEN MINUTES. 

GOOD GUIDE HERE . BE SURE TO FOLLOW IT.


AND PIC ABOVE. BRUCE LEE FOLLOWED OLD SKOOL STRETCHES LIKE THIS. BRUCE LEE GOOD FIGHTER. MAYBE BEST NEXT TO ALI.

2. WARM HEART. MOST IMPORTANT MUSCLE. CAN'T BEAT RUNNING. RUNNING BACKBONE OF CARDIO. RUN FOR AT LEAST 1 MILE WARM UP. I RUN FOR 25. MISPER, 19. HE'S YOUNG. GETTING STRONGER. GOOD CITIZEN.

3. CORE 1. ABS AND BACK.

TWO WAYS TO APPROACH THIS. YOU CAN FOLLOW THIS GUIDE ... IF YOU'RE A ROOKIE PUNK YOU'LL MANAGE THAT ONCE OR TWICE IN A ROW.

A REAL CITIZEN WILL MANAGE FIVE CYCLES. THAT'S FIVE, SOLDIER!!! YOU CAN REST IN BETWEEN SETS. KIDDING. GOOD JOKE. CRIME DOESN'T REST!!! GET WATER. OR ELECTROLYTES. PREMIXED BAD. GET POWDER. BETTER.

4. BASIC STRENGTH BUILDING. YOU'RE A ROOKIE PUNK. YOU NEED TO BUILD THOSE ARMS. NOODLES DON'T FIGHT CRIME. MUSCLES FIGHT CRIME. HARDNESS IS TO A BODY WHAT SHARPNESS IS TO A KNIFE. PRESS UPS. START NORMAL. ON KNEES IF HAVE TO, OR GIRL. PRESS UPS BUILD CHEST. PECS. ALSO LATS. TRAPS. TRICEPS. TRICEPS IMPORTANT. PUSHING MUSCLE. PUNCHING MUSCLE. PUNCHING IMPORTANT.

5 SETS OF 20 REPS!

ELECTROLYTES. 

5 SETS OF 20 REPS. 

DO NOT LEAVE LONGER THAN 1 MINUTE BETWEEN REPS!!!

PROGRESS. KNOW WHAT A SET IS? SET OF REPS. A REP IS JUST THAT. ONE. ONE PRESS UP. ONE CRUNCH. THAT'S REP. A SET IS NUMBER OF REPS. SO START WITH 20 REPS. DO 5 SETS. GOOD ROOKIE. NEED A REST YET? STOP CRYING. MOMMY CAN'T HEAR YOU ANYMORE. PANSY.



TO BE CONTINUED...

THIS IS A CALL...

LISTEN UP, CITIZENS!!! THIS IS URBANITE SPEAKING!

I'M INVITING YOU INTO THE FOLDS OF THE URBANITE ARMY. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?? IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET A COSTUME. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO FIGHT CRIME (LEAVE THAT TO THE PROFESSIONALS, LIKE ME AND MISPER)...

WHAT IT MEANS IS THAT I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO TRAIN YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND TO DEAL WITH LIFE IN GLORIA CITY.

GLORIA IS A JEWEL IN THE CROWN OF OUR FAIR COUNTRY. SHE IS A HARSH BUT FAIR MISTRESS...MUCH OF THE TIME.

BUT THERE ARE OTHER TIMES. TIMES WHEN VIOLENCE STRIKES, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE. RARELY WILL YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH A SUPER. SUPERS LEAVE CLUES, WHICH I DEDICATE MYSELF TO SOLVING, PREVENTING.

STREET CRIME IS DIFFERENT. OFTEN RANDOM. UNPREDICTABLE. PRONE TO ESCALATION.

IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT YOU DON'T THINK STRAIGHT. EVEN A TRAINED FIGHTER CAN FREEZE. LOSE THEIR EDGE. FOLD TO FEAR.

THEN YOU'VE LOST, NOT JUST THE BATTLE, BUT POTENTIALLY THE WAR. SOMEBODY WITH A KNIFE, OR A GUN (TOOLS OF THE COWARD) WANTS SOMETHING FROM YOU. YOUR MONEY. YOUR CAR. YOUR DIGNITY. YOUR LIFE.

I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO FACE YOUR FIGHT OR FLIGHT INSTINCT. I WILL TEACH YOU, THROUGH MY WORDS AND HARD EARNED KNOCKS, HOW TO FACE FEAR.

GLORIA CITY IS A LARGE CITY. I HAVE AGENTS AND EYES ALL OVER, BUT I CANNOT BE EVERYWHERE.

AS SUCH, LET THE LESSONS BEGIN...

Staying Hard

I AM URBANITE. I AM THE FUTURE OF CRIME FIGHTING. HERE I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO BE HARDER THAN THIS CITY. LET'S STAY HARD TOGETHER, BROTHERS (AND SISTERS).

#IAMGLORIACITY